I'll never forget the moment that I realized what was going on in my new marriage. I thought something was wrong, terribly wrong. Why did I feel this way? What was happening? I knew marriage wasn't easy, but why was it this hard right from the start?
I was being ruined. "Me", the selfish 23 year-old ME, was being ruined. I was brought to a depth of selfishness in my life that had never been challenged before, and it wasn't comfortable.
"What?! He's not ready to walk in the door after a soul-crushing day at work, and sweep me off my feet with romance and a night of long conversations?" My expectations might have been a little unrealistic!
Never before did I have to think about someone else's needs, wants, dreams and desires like I did with David. Not with friends, parents, employers or extended family. This was a new level of relationship and it was ruining Me.
Selfishness is a scary place to live. It's blinding and deceptive. You think that you are just "getting what you deserve" when you make demands on life or others - this is what's "fair!". After all, we only live once, right? No one should slow me down! Although that IS a way you can choose to live your life, Jesus (who happens to be the One that wrote the instruction manual for life), says there's a better way.
- Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Phil 2:3-4)
- Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. (1 Cor 13:4-6)
What are those verses focused on? Not Me - I can tell you that!
Any time I've focused on myself, my wants and desires, my marriage suffers. Seriously suffers! I can check my heart and motives by asking myself a few questions:
- Is this how Jesus would treat David?
- Am I insisting on my own way?
- Am I focusing on something he's doing wrong, or letting Jesus start on my flaws first?
You might have your own questions to keep your perspective in check and in alignment with God's will for your marriage. That's good! Keep asking them to yourself in various situations - especially when you feel like your feathers are ruffled. That is typically an indicator that your selfishness is being rubbed the wrong way.
Jesus is our ultimate example of how to love others. He NEVER considered Himself above the need of another person, and perfectly walked in the will of His Father.
Marriage is still ruining me and I'm so thankful because I've still got a long way to go. Having the Me in my life completely wrecked by God and my marriage relationship, means that I can live in freedom to love my husband and others well. What JOY there is when I do! It's so worth it! Now, instead of serving the master of Self, I can turn my heart and life to serve the True Master and great Teacher of love and relationships.
Are you letting your marriage or relationship with Jesus ruin the selfishness in your life?
VERY well said. Brilliant insight. This come at a time when I'm considering my own selfishness. Thank you for saying what's been going on in my head!
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