Why doesn't she have kids?

"First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage..." 

Some women live their whole childhood wanting to be married with children when they grow up. They dream of a sweet little face looking up at them and calling them "mommy". They can't wait for a baby shower, to rock their baby to sleep and watch them grow through the various stages of childhood. 

And some women don't. 

Both women should be validated, loved and supported.

Personally, the question "do you want to have children?" makes me cringe - not for myself really, but for the countless women out there that are desperately trying to have children and can't for whatever reason. It's not a BAD question, just unnecessary (in my opinion). This is a deeply personal question and one that should be asked with love and a heap ton of sensitivity. I know so many precious mommies-in-waiting with aching hearts and empty arms. 

When I am asked this question and I say "not right now" I get a variety of responses: "You'll never be ready, what are you waiting for?", "You'll never be able to "afford them" so don't wait on money", "Oh, but kids are such a blessing!" the very appreciated, "yeah, it's totally fine to wait" and the list goes on. 

But I wonder how many women are like me and are just genuinely enjoying life right now, and not wanting for anything more? Contentment. When I say "not right now" I'm not saying not ever. I'm saying that I'm content with being married (oh, so happy) and having a job that I absolutely love, and that children are not a desire for me at this time in life.

Do I like kids? absolutely! I love me some babies and I even have a reputation of "baby hogging" with my friend's kids.  Kids of all ages are a blessing (and so hilarious most times too!), but I am just content to not have any of my own at this stage of life. 

I've prayed and asked God to put a desire in my heart for children when the timing is right. It's a subject that comes up consistently with David and I. We are open with each other about our desires and constantly in prayer about it. Adoption is something we are always considering and hope to one day do. If I found out tomorrow that I was pregnant, we would be so excited. 

Moms - I celebrate and thank God for you! My mommy friends are awesome women. I look at them with fear and trembling because I seriously have no idea how they do it it all and still manage to retain their sanity (although they might question their own sanity from time to time, I'm sure ;D ).

I felt the need to write this because I'm sure that there are more women like me, who maybe need to hear or be reminded that it's okay to not desire children. Or, maybe some people are interested in this perspective from a child-less wife who's okay with it.

I think there have been times where people don't believe me, that perhaps I might be shoving my feelings for children deep in the caverns of my soul for whatever reason. But that just isn't true.  

We all have varying stages of life. For me to look at a single person and assume they want to be married because I think marriage is awesome, just isn't fair. God has so many beautiful purposes for people on this planet and they don't all look the same. Some are single, some are married, some raise children, some work, others stay home, etc. We need to love and support one another in whatever stage of life we are in. 

Life is a wild ride. But in supporting and loving each other through the stages, we can make life so rich, experience so much contentment and have a life that is full to the brim, no matter what. Love is what we need.

Take a look at the people you hold dear - how can you relate to and support them in the stage of life they are currently in? What might you be assuming about them? 

Marriage Ruined Me

It didn't have to. But I let it and I'm so glad I did. 

I'll never forget the moment that I realized what was going on in my new marriage. I thought something was wrong, terribly wrong. Why did I feel this way? What was happening? I knew marriage wasn't easy, but why was it this hard right from the start? 

I was being ruined. "Me", the selfish 23 year-old ME, was being ruined. I was brought to a depth of selfishness in my life that had never been challenged before, and it wasn't comfortable. 

"What?! He's not ready to walk in the door after a soul-crushing day at work, and sweep me off my feet with romance and a night of long conversations?" My expectations might have been a little unrealistic!

Never before did I have to think about someone else's needs, wants, dreams and desires like I did with David. Not with friends, parents, employers or extended family. This was a new level of relationship and it was ruining Me. 

Selfishness is a scary place to live. It's blinding and deceptive. You think that you are just "getting what you deserve" when you make demands on life or others - this is what's "fair!". After all, we only live once, right? No one should slow me down! Although that IS a way you can choose to live your life, Jesus (who happens to be the One that wrote the instruction manual for life), says there's a better way.

• Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Phil 2:3-4)
• Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. (1 Cor 13:4-6)

What are those verses focused on? Not Me - I can tell you that! 

Any time I've focused on myself, my wants and desires, my marriage suffers. Seriously suffers! I can check my heart and motives by asking myself a few questions: 

• Is this how Jesus would treat David? 
• Am I insisting on my own way? 
• Am I focusing on something he's doing wrong, or letting Jesus start on my flaws first? 

You might have your own questions to keep your perspective in check and in alignment with God's will for your marriage. That's good! Keep asking them to yourself in various situations - especially when you feel like your feathers are ruffled. That is typically an indicator that your selfishness is being rubbed the wrong way.

 Jesus is our ultimate example of how to love others. He NEVER considered Himself above the need of another person, and perfectly walked in the will of His Father. 

Marriage is still ruining me and I'm so thankful because I've still got a long way to go. Having the Me in my life completely wrecked by God and my marriage relationship, means that I can live in freedom to love my husband and others well. What JOY there is when I do! It's so worth it! Now, instead of serving the master of Self, I can turn my heart and life to serve the True Master and great Teacher of love and relationships. 

Are you letting your marriage or relationship with Jesus ruin the selfishness in your life? 

He walks with me...

I love the old hymn "In the Garden". It has special significance for me because I've felt the closest to the Lord when I'm up to my elbows in dirt. I love "seeing" Him in creation. I absolutely love flowers, all kinds of flowers. There is something about the delicacy and beauty in flowers that draws my heart into conversation with Jesus. 

This weekend I went to a Christian retreat, called the Great Banquet. It was amazing. We were asked to leave all electronic devices at home, including our watches. For 3.5 days, I didn't have any contact with my loved ones or even know what time it was! It was very uncomfortable at first. Very. Uncomfortable. I will admit that I didn't have the best attitude that evening. When I came to the Banquet I had no idea what to expect and I was running on empty in my personal relationship with the Lord. He felt so distant, I was numb and being completely honest with myself, I felt forgotten by Him. 

Something I didn't expect in having my media and the time (weird!) taken away, was that I would be completely vulnerable. All of the distractions were taken away. Distractions aren't always bad, sometimes it's just the flow and pace of life that can be distracting. All of that was gone. What was left was me, 71 ladies I didn't know and Jesus. 

Through a teaching on Psalm 23, I was reminded that Jesus prays for me. He prays for me! I knew that in my mind because I've read it in scripture. But for the first time, that truth really sank into my heart. My friends pray for me. Jesus, my friend, prays for me. It was a relief and a precious truth that came at the perfect moment. I wept. 

Now, at that point I was really vulnerable. So much, that I was confronted with sin in my life that I was too distracted to give notice to. It was immensely freeing to call this burden by name, even though it was unseen sin. On Thursday when I arrived I was so stressed that I literally felt like I had a weight on my chest. When I talked to Jesus about my sin that I had just then realized, on top of the understanding that He is my friend that prays for me, I felt like I lost 50lbs of burden! I felt like a friend that I dearly loved and hadn't talked to in a long time, just folded me in an "I've missed you" kind of embrace. Completely amazing. 

During the last talk of the weekend, we were given fresh flowers. Tulips! They were beautiful and smelled amazing. I'm being completely honest and I even struggle to find the words to express this, but I felt like those flowers were handed to me straight from the hand of Jesus. I knew what I had to do... 

During the weekend, a special place for me to pray and think was on a bench under at big wooden cross at the top of the hill. I walked to that cross with my tulips. Praying the whole way. When I got to the foot of the cross, I symbolically placed my burdens on those tulips and left them at the foot of the cross. I cried. It was release. It was a friendship restored. Healing. 

Jesus knows I love flowers. He knows that some of the most precious times with Him is in my garden. It was no coincidence that I was given a beautiful bouquet of tulips. 

1. I come to the garden alone,
   While the dew is still on the roses,
   And the voice I hear falling on my ear
   The Son of God discloses.
   • Refrain:
     And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
     And He tells me I am His own;
     And the joy we share as we tarry there,
     None other has ever known.
1.