Perfectly Imperfect

Hi. My name is Rachel, and shocking as it might seem, I'm not perfect. Can you relate? 

My bathroom is a disaster. 

It looks like an ape organized my closet. 

I just did 5 loads of laundry because I've been to lazy (and busy) to care.

I can make a list of at least 10 things I'd like to change about the way I look.

Right now, I'm typing this while eating a bowl of Salt and Pepper Kettle Cooked chips. Yes, it's my lunch. 

My name is Rachel and I'm not perfect... 

... But I am perfectly loved and accepted. 

Social media and our society does a pretty darn good job at portraying what "having it all together" looks like. The perfect body, the perfect house, kids, yard, clothing...

Or does it? 

Don't get me wrong, I love Instagram like any photo-editing-loving-person. But have I gotten to the point that I won't post a picture of myself or home because I don't think I measure up? Measure up to who? Who am I trying to impress? 

"...For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.” (1 Sam. 16:7)

Jesus.  He gives the freedom to be me. That's what this verse reminds me of on this 4th of July holiday. Who do I live to impress, please, bring glory to? Jesus. He doesn't mind when my hair looks like a just-awakened three year old's hair or when my dark circles show. He's not looking at those things. 

"but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious." (1 Peter 3:4) 

Would I rather someone remember me by a perfect haircut, slim figure or tan skin? By my Better Homes and Gardens house? Or would I rather be remembered by the way I love? By the way I serve? By the gentleness of my speech and heart? 

The answer is pretty obvious to me. 

Taking care of ourselves is important and that goes without saying. So please don't nix all health-care and fashion, this isn't a exodus of style that God is calling us to. But over and over in Scripture He reminds us that we are accepted just as we are. The beauty of Grace. Did you hear me? You are accepted and loved JUST as you are. Imperfections and all. No need to instagram your heart or life before you come to God. He will take all that you are and create a beauty in you far greater than anything Cover girl or Hollister can do for you.

Living to please man is a never ending battle. You will NEVER be attractive enough, have a big enough house, or whatever it is that you perceive people are judging you for. Living like that can get pretty exhausting in a hurry. 

If people in your life are doing anything but accepting all of you (this doesn't mean enabling, don't go there) then you need to reevaluate your relationships, because that's not what Jesus wants for you. 

Are you captive to an Instagram'd life? Are you hostage to having it all together in the view of your friends and family? I hope you can let go of that today, even just a little bit, and bask in the vast amount of grace, love and acceptance that's been there for you all along. 

Ready for my selfie? Oh yeah, I'm rocking the just-barely styled hair and not a fleck of makeup and NO filter! But, this gal is perfectly loved and accepted by Jesus just like this...No Instagram needed ;) 

Why doesn't she have kids?

"First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage..." 

Some women live their whole childhood wanting to be married with children when they grow up. They dream of a sweet little face looking up at them and calling them "mommy". They can't wait for a baby shower, to rock their baby to sleep and watch them grow through the various stages of childhood. 

And some women don't. 

Both women should be validated, loved and supported.

Personally, the question "do you want to have children?" makes me cringe - not for myself really, but for the countless women out there that are desperately trying to have children and can't for whatever reason. It's not a BAD question, just unnecessary (in my opinion). This is a deeply personal question and one that should be asked with love and a heap ton of sensitivity. I know so many precious mommies-in-waiting with aching hearts and empty arms. 

When I am asked this question and I say "not right now" I get a variety of responses: "You'll never be ready, what are you waiting for?", "You'll never be able to "afford them" so don't wait on money", "Oh, but kids are such a blessing!" the very appreciated, "yeah, it's totally fine to wait" and the list goes on. 

But I wonder how many women are like me and are just genuinely enjoying life right now, and not wanting for anything more? Contentment. When I say "not right now" I'm not saying not ever. I'm saying that I'm content with being married (oh, so happy) and having a job that I absolutely love, and that children are not a desire for me at this time in life.

Do I like kids? absolutely! I love me some babies and I even have a reputation of "baby hogging" with my friend's kids.  Kids of all ages are a blessing (and so hilarious most times too!), but I am just content to not have any of my own at this stage of life. 

I've prayed and asked God to put a desire in my heart for children when the timing is right. It's a subject that comes up consistently with David and I. We are open with each other about our desires and constantly in prayer about it. Adoption is something we are always considering and hope to one day do. If I found out tomorrow that I was pregnant, we would be so excited. 

Moms - I celebrate and thank God for you! My mommy friends are awesome women. I look at them with fear and trembling because I seriously have no idea how they do it it all and still manage to retain their sanity (although they might question their own sanity from time to time, I'm sure ;D ).

I felt the need to write this because I'm sure that there are more women like me, who maybe need to hear or be reminded that it's okay to not desire children. Or, maybe some people are interested in this perspective from a child-less wife who's okay with it.

I think there have been times where people don't believe me, that perhaps I might be shoving my feelings for children deep in the caverns of my soul for whatever reason. But that just isn't true.  

We all have varying stages of life. For me to look at a single person and assume they want to be married because I think marriage is awesome, just isn't fair. God has so many beautiful purposes for people on this planet and they don't all look the same. Some are single, some are married, some raise children, some work, others stay home, etc. We need to love and support one another in whatever stage of life we are in. 

Life is a wild ride. But in supporting and loving each other through the stages, we can make life so rich, experience so much contentment and have a life that is full to the brim, no matter what. Love is what we need.

Take a look at the people you hold dear - how can you relate to and support them in the stage of life they are currently in? What might you be assuming about them? 

Marriage Ruined Me

It didn't have to. But I let it and I'm so glad I did. 

I'll never forget the moment that I realized what was going on in my new marriage. I thought something was wrong, terribly wrong. Why did I feel this way? What was happening? I knew marriage wasn't easy, but why was it this hard right from the start? 

I was being ruined. "Me", the selfish 23 year-old ME, was being ruined. I was brought to a depth of selfishness in my life that had never been challenged before, and it wasn't comfortable. 

"What?! He's not ready to walk in the door after a soul-crushing day at work, and sweep me off my feet with romance and a night of long conversations?" My expectations might have been a little unrealistic!

Never before did I have to think about someone else's needs, wants, dreams and desires like I did with David. Not with friends, parents, employers or extended family. This was a new level of relationship and it was ruining Me. 

Selfishness is a scary place to live. It's blinding and deceptive. You think that you are just "getting what you deserve" when you make demands on life or others - this is what's "fair!". After all, we only live once, right? No one should slow me down! Although that IS a way you can choose to live your life, Jesus (who happens to be the One that wrote the instruction manual for life), says there's a better way.

• Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Phil 2:3-4)
• Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. (1 Cor 13:4-6)

What are those verses focused on? Not Me - I can tell you that! 

Any time I've focused on myself, my wants and desires, my marriage suffers. Seriously suffers! I can check my heart and motives by asking myself a few questions: 

• Is this how Jesus would treat David? 
• Am I insisting on my own way? 
• Am I focusing on something he's doing wrong, or letting Jesus start on my flaws first? 

You might have your own questions to keep your perspective in check and in alignment with God's will for your marriage. That's good! Keep asking them to yourself in various situations - especially when you feel like your feathers are ruffled. That is typically an indicator that your selfishness is being rubbed the wrong way.

 Jesus is our ultimate example of how to love others. He NEVER considered Himself above the need of another person, and perfectly walked in the will of His Father. 

Marriage is still ruining me and I'm so thankful because I've still got a long way to go. Having the Me in my life completely wrecked by God and my marriage relationship, means that I can live in freedom to love my husband and others well. What JOY there is when I do! It's so worth it! Now, instead of serving the master of Self, I can turn my heart and life to serve the True Master and great Teacher of love and relationships. 

Are you letting your marriage or relationship with Jesus ruin the selfishness in your life? 

He walks with me...

I love the old hymn "In the Garden". It has special significance for me because I've felt the closest to the Lord when I'm up to my elbows in dirt. I love "seeing" Him in creation. I absolutely love flowers, all kinds of flowers. There is something about the delicacy and beauty in flowers that draws my heart into conversation with Jesus. 

This weekend I went to a Christian retreat, called the Great Banquet. It was amazing. We were asked to leave all electronic devices at home, including our watches. For 3.5 days, I didn't have any contact with my loved ones or even know what time it was! It was very uncomfortable at first. Very. Uncomfortable. I will admit that I didn't have the best attitude that evening. When I came to the Banquet I had no idea what to expect and I was running on empty in my personal relationship with the Lord. He felt so distant, I was numb and being completely honest with myself, I felt forgotten by Him. 

Something I didn't expect in having my media and the time (weird!) taken away, was that I would be completely vulnerable. All of the distractions were taken away. Distractions aren't always bad, sometimes it's just the flow and pace of life that can be distracting. All of that was gone. What was left was me, 71 ladies I didn't know and Jesus. 

Through a teaching on Psalm 23, I was reminded that Jesus prays for me. He prays for me! I knew that in my mind because I've read it in scripture. But for the first time, that truth really sank into my heart. My friends pray for me. Jesus, my friend, prays for me. It was a relief and a precious truth that came at the perfect moment. I wept. 

Now, at that point I was really vulnerable. So much, that I was confronted with sin in my life that I was too distracted to give notice to. It was immensely freeing to call this burden by name, even though it was unseen sin. On Thursday when I arrived I was so stressed that I literally felt like I had a weight on my chest. When I talked to Jesus about my sin that I had just then realized, on top of the understanding that He is my friend that prays for me, I felt like I lost 50lbs of burden! I felt like a friend that I dearly loved and hadn't talked to in a long time, just folded me in an "I've missed you" kind of embrace. Completely amazing. 

During the last talk of the weekend, we were given fresh flowers. Tulips! They were beautiful and smelled amazing. I'm being completely honest and I even struggle to find the words to express this, but I felt like those flowers were handed to me straight from the hand of Jesus. I knew what I had to do... 

During the weekend, a special place for me to pray and think was on a bench under at big wooden cross at the top of the hill. I walked to that cross with my tulips. Praying the whole way. When I got to the foot of the cross, I symbolically placed my burdens on those tulips and left them at the foot of the cross. I cried. It was release. It was a friendship restored. Healing. 

Jesus knows I love flowers. He knows that some of the most precious times with Him is in my garden. It was no coincidence that I was given a beautiful bouquet of tulips. 

1. I come to the garden alone,
   While the dew is still on the roses,
   And the voice I hear falling on my ear
   The Son of God discloses.
   • Refrain:
     And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
     And He tells me I am His own;
     And the joy we share as we tarry there,
     None other has ever known.
1. 
   

No Turning Back...

There are so many things in this life that cause pain. Some of the most painful come from relationships. We all have situations where people we love hurt us or people we love are hurt by others. I'm currently battling with some painful situations and this has caused me to pray a lot - which is good.  But then there are days when it's difficult to keep a heavenly perspective or know what to do.

It's easy to drift off and dwell on the pain, dwell on what happened and how you "should have" responded. Do you know what I'm talking about? Those times when you think "I should have said this or done that, THAT would change the situation, THAT would make it better." I remember this most vividly when I was a child. I would think about the confrontation I had with a neighbor kid and wish I would have had that perfect come back to stop them dead in their tracks and leave them speechless by how amazingly smart and quick witted I was. Maybe you have your pseudo conversations in the shower...not that I ever do that.

I had one of these drifts today with tears stinging my eyes. The enemy of our souls is so slick to get us caught up in bitterness, un-forgiveness and a holier-than-thou attitude.

But then a song came on the radio that rocked me back into perspective.

I have decided, to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back
No turning back

"Thank you, Lord."

Yes, I have decided to follow Jesus. Jesus. The One who loved even when his accusers spat in his face. The One who said "Father, forgive them," while hanging on a Roman cross. The One who thought of His love for me, as the life-blood drained from his precious, perfect body, to save my damned soul.

I have no right to feel anything but grace, compassion and forgiveness when pain is caused by people. I have the privilege  of loving others sacrificially and without judgement just like Jesus loved me.  I can encourage them, pray for them, be there for them. This is the way of Jesus.

It's hard to love like Jesus loves, there is no doubt about that. But I've decided to follow Jesus. No turning back.

Singing with New Perspective

I love music. Some people say that, and they mean that they find it enjoyable and entertaining. While I am definitely one that enjoys music and finds it entertaining, it's also much more to me. It's a ministry. There are all sorts of music styles that I enjoy, but music centered on Biblical Truth is what I'm talking about when I say it's a ministry. I can hear amazing sermons, but if the same content is within a song, it pierces straight into my soul and lingers there.

Recently, on a very cold and windy Fall afternoon, I was driving home from work listening to Pandora Radio. A song that is now 15 years old, came on the radio, "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens. This song means a lot to me. If I can say this without being selfish, I feel like it was written for me. When I first heard this song, I was 12 years old and had lived a lot of "life" through some very painful and difficult circumstances, life made no sense to me. I remember hearing this song in my bedroom and tears began streaming down my face, when these lyrics started playing:

It may not be the way I would have chosen

When You lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help

I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through

And I will go through the darkness if You want me to

In that moment, in my short 12 years of living - I was given hope. This song poured hope like a salve on my soul. I had renewed strength remembering that Jesus would be with me. Life would be redeemed. In the end, it would all work out with a Jesus-glorifying ending, even if that ending was not until I went Home. 

No matter what "life" throws at us, regardless of how painful or how little sense it makes. We have a Friend who perfectly knows what it's like to experience pain, abuse, heartache and abandonment. So if you've experienced one, several or a cocktail of all of these - remember that perspective. 

Perspective is an amazing thing. Just think of when you were a child. You thought that slide or that uncle was huge! As you grow, your perspective changes and thing come into real focus. The same should happen with us in our walk with Christ. When we grow in faith and trust with Him, things become less daunting, less insurmountable. We experience hope.

You come to an understanding that ALL things work out for His Glory and your good. No matter what it is. This is a very simplified explanation. It's not just "that" easy because life truly is painful and can be very complicated to heal from. But He knows that. Again, perspective. He's not asking you to "go it" alone. He's asking you to trust Him with the book He is writing called, Your Life. 

As I drove up to my house, I had to smile because of all of the ways that Jesus has redeemed the painful, shadows of my past and replaced it with joy. I'm thankful, yes, thankful to have experienced what I did because now I can pass on the same hope I received from the Biblical Truth in that song, to others. Beauty from ashes. Joy from pain. Redemption from despair. 

This is a heavy post. Life is heavy. I hope that you, like I was the other day, are reminded that Jesus redeems and have hope and joy when you look back at what He has done in your life. 

Someone's knocking, but nobody's home...

I'm going to lay this out bluntly here, sometimes when I'm in the Word and spending time with God I feel as though I'm watching paint dry. I'm not impacted, impressed, changed, or exhorted. I walk away the same as I came. Why is that? Can you relate? Today, my perspective on this changed, probably forever.

I was reading in Matthew starting in Chapter 5 this morning with a regular ol' piece of college ruled paper by my side. I thought to myself, "okay, whatever comes to my mind as I read, I'm going to write it down: verses, convictions, thoughts about the Person of God....anything." As I was doing this,  I realized something:  If I'm coming unengaged, then I will leave unchanged. When I looked at Bible engaged in what it said (not just reading it like the newspaper), the words came alive. My paper is practically FULL of prayers, convictions and praises for who God is, questions about the world and how stinkin' hard it is to live in it - things like that. Think about it, if you are married or have a best friend, do you sit down with them and just wait for them to say something meaningful or interesting? Or do you rather engage in the conversation - starting and ending some, adding to comments, sharing thoughts or ideas? Yeah, sounds more like spending time with someone doesn't it? If I sat on the couch with my husband and was completely unengaged- just spending time with him because I knew it was a good thing (or something I'm supposed to do), there wouldn't be much of a relationship there. If you are saying to yourself "Well duh, girly"then be patient with me, I'm a little slow at times. ;)

I believe the same is true of our relationship with our Husband, Christ. He wants to talk to us, in other words - He is not the problem! But if we come to Jesus with our left over energy, what will we be in a position to hear? Sometimes that's a great place, because we are empty and He alone can fill us, but our hearts have to be in a position to be filled. When they are not, we get the "watching paint dry" feeling. So in a sense, "Someone is knocking, but nobody is home." Well, I hear the Knocker now and I'm excited for this new chapter in my time in the Word to begin!

If you have the "watching paint dry feeling" would you consider grabbing a piece of paper and spending time in God's Word engaged?  Maybe you already know of this secret and you have other thoughts about engaging in God's Word- please leave a comment - I'd love to have this conversation.

Sometimes it's the simple "Ah-ha!" moments that can really make a large change in our spiritual life. I thank God for his never ending patience with me.

Encouraged,
R